From Self-Doubt to Limitless Self Belief: Shifting Your Identity for the Better with Jess O'Connell

Christine Li: 0:00

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the show. This is Episode 11. In my experience, I found that you can never really know what someone's thinking about themselves until you really ask them to tell you about it. In this episode, you're going to hear how my special guest, Jess O'Connell, broke through a set of limiting beliefs that you had about herself. She was thinking that she was never going to be good enough. But she didn't just break through that set of limiting beliefs. She blasted through them, she blasted through procrastination and perfectionism, and was able to embody an entirely new identity that she crafted for herself. And once she did, the success, personally, professionally and financially started to roll on in. Jess is a launch coach and an online marketing scientist. She has used her own experience in business and marketing strategy to develop the aligned Launch Formula. And she shares her expertise about growing online businesses on her podcast, the launch fix, she is a total rock star, and you're going to hear her great story. It's a story about how not to hold yourself back. Let's go listen. Hi, I'm Dr. Christine Li, and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped 1000s of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so they can begin working to their potential. In this podcast, you're going to learn about powerful strategies for getting your mind, body and energy to work together. So that you can focus on what's really important, and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power, you're going to see how being productive can be easy, and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the make time for success podcast. Hi, everyone. Today I have the pleasure of welcoming Jess O'Connell, who is so talented. And you're going to hear a lot about her her life, her journey, her growth and the kind of business that she's running now as a mom mompreneur and coach. So welcome to the show. Jess, I'm so glad you're here.

Jess O'Connell: 2:32

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to talk with you today.

Christine Li: 2:36

I'm excited to so please get us started and let us know a little bit about you and get us started.

Jess O'Connell: 2:44

Yeah, absolutely. So my name is Jess and I am a mom of two I have a five year old and a two and a half year old. And just about two years ago, I started my online business which has been very successful. But I wasn't always successful. So kind of going back in my life when I was a kid, I really struggled in school. And I had two big sisters who were very achievement focused and very, like straight A students 4.0 the good sisters, and then there was me. I really didn't focus. well in school. I thought homework was stupid. So I never did it. And I was actually diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. And so I was just a hard kid. In fact, I think at Christmas, my stepmom told me, Well, you know what, you were kind of a hard kid. And I'm like, you know, I did that on purpose. But I know that like the way that I grew up, I was not the good kid, right. And so I had created these beliefs and these ideas around not being good enough and all these things. And so as an adult, I decided after high school that I was going to go to college, and my parents thought that that was a terrible idea. I was an okay student, like a 3.2 GPA. But I wasn't like as smart as my sisters. But they thought that college was a waste of time, and that I was never going to finish it, which then made me even more determined to finish it. And I put myself through college and got my degree in four years, which was my goal, even though I had to take summer school every single semester to make that happen. And so I was in school for four straight years, all 12 semesters. And I got it done. And I got my degree in four years. And that's one of the things I'm the most proud about in my life. And as an adult, I really took that determination, but it had turned into we can get into this later, obviously, but like I created these stories, like it wasn't good enough and I wasn't good enough. And it wasn't until I was 31 when I started my business and really He had done a lot of inner work around being the not good child, that I was able to kind of get past those barriers, and really rewrite that story for myself.

Christine Li: 5:12

Which is amazing. And I'm so glad you've made that journey and that you're here to tell us more about it. I am curious about two things that you've said so far, at least two things. You've mentioned being a hard kid. And when I don't fully understand what is involved in that label, I want to hear more. So tell us what being a hard kid was like and why you did that. And then also, the second question would be the inner work that you did, because I'm totally fascinated and curious as to how you made that transition from feeling not good enough to feeling like you're good to go.

Jess O'Connell: 5:46

Yeah, absolutely. So I think the way that I would define being a hard kid is, at least in my eyes, objectively, as the child, I felt like I was just different from my sisters, like I said, the two sisters who were high achieving, and graded everything. And I felt like I never matched up to that. behaviorally, I probably acted out because I had more energy and different things going on in my body that I can look at objectively now as an adult. But I also acted out, I had some behavior problems, I also was a bit sassy, and I was not a great student. And I see this in my kids. But I really like challenged authority in school and didn't understand why I had to do homework, if I knew the material. I'm a smart person. But I would never do the homework and then aced the test. And my teachers would get so frustrated because like, No, you have to do the homework. And I'm like, why does it matter? If I do the homework? If I know the material?

Christine Li: 6:49

Mm hmm. I could totally see you doing that. I could totally see you doing that. And being frustrated that you have to fit into other people's confining systems, when you can be much more creative and see your way through.

Jess O'Connell: 7:04

Absolutely. And that was really hard for me. Like in all aspects of growing up. Like if rules didn't make sense to me, and they seemed arbitrary, or they didn't make sense, then I didn't want to follow them. And now I see that as like a superpower in my life, because I can look at things that seem arbitrary or aren't working and look at the status quo and look at ways of doing things differently. But as a kid, like, I definitely did not go with the flow. And I was not the kid who just wanted mom and dad to love her. So she overachieved in school, I was kind of the contrarian of the family, and always trying to see things differently. Ask questions, Buck the system a little bit. And I think that that was hard for my parents. So that's what I mean by that judgment of hard.

Christine Li: 8:00

Yes, yes. Thank you for explaining. Okay, let's move on to that inner work. And I imagine that it wasn't a flip of a switch or something like that, that it required a lot of thinking and feeling and processing with other people, too.

Jess O'Connell: 8:16

Yeah. So it's really funny that you mentioned that it probably wasn't a flip of a switch. But it was not, though. And so here's what I mean by that. So I had created this reality where nothing that I ever did was good enough. And I had formed that from like my childhood and feeling like no matter what I did, it was never going to match up to my sisters. And so I had created this, like belief that no matter what I did, it was never good enough. And that at the end of the day, I was always going to not be good enough. And I realized this, because I had had successes in my life, right? Like I graduated from college in four years, on my own. And to most people, that would be a success, but I consider it a failure. Because of all of these qualifiers, I was like, well, I had to go to summer school, I didn't get a 4.0 like, I have student loans, blah, blah, blah, right? All of these reasons why I was putting that in the failure category. And another example of that is in my 20s, I had a blog online and it was very successful. Now I can look back objectively and say that, but I grew it to over 100,000 readers every month. And I was featured in local news and it was kind of a big deal. And I was like an Instagram influencer before that was a thing back in like 2010 or like 2013 for those factchecking when Instagram came about, but I had put that in the failure category because well, I quit my blog. I quit my blog when I got pregnant with my daughter. It wasn't 200,000 people it wasn't a million people. I had all of these benchmarks of success that were so high that I could never realistically reach them. And so I was measuring my personal success on this benchmark that was completely unattainable, which just further deepened my belief of like, see, I'm not good enough, when really like, I was setting myself up for that, because our brains always want us to be right. And now I can see that I was creating the world in which I was defining myself as a failure by creating these unwinnable situations in my life, and looking at everything that I was doing through the lens of failure. And so I had this big laundry list of things, I failed that I had failed at starting a network marketing business. Back when I was like, even younger than my blog, I had failed at building a network marketing business that I had been in five years, even though it was profitable, and I was ranking and all of the stuff that goes with that. But I was still not counting that as a success. And I knew that I was ready to do something different. In 2018, my sister got married, a lot of things happened in 2018. And my youngest daughter was born. Six weeks later, we went to the United Kingdom, for my sister's wedding with a six week old baby and a three year old on an international flight, it was an adventure. And we came back, we had no savings because we had spent all of our money on this trip. And we were already living paycheck to paycheck. And within like two weeks of coming back, my husband lost his job. And so we had no savings, we were not prepared, we had just taken this time off, because I just had my daughter, and I wasn't working, I was a stay at home mom with a little MLM business. And in that moment, I realized that this life that we had created up until then, where we had all of these stories and beliefs that we were clinging to that, like, we chose the hard road life has to be hard. Nothing we ever do is good enough, money is hard for us to have. And all of these things. Were kind of coming to a head. And it left us in this situation. That was pretty dire. It was like a wake up call situation where we almost lost our house, we had to get on mortgage assistance we like had to get on Medicaid or care, whatever. The one is, for people who can't afford health care, we had to ask for money from our family and all of these things. And so we were really at a struggling place. And I had decided in that moment, that I didn't want to live like that anymore. It was like really, this is all life is a struggle, struggle struggle until it's like real struggle, like why is this? True? That didn't make sense to me. And I decided in that moment, things gotta change. I cannot continue to live our life based on other people's circumstances and my security and my family's security. It was no longer okay with me for those things to be in the hands of other people, people who didn't care about us. The fact that one day my husband could lose his job and we could lose our entire life was just mind boggling to me that it was that fragile that our whole livelihood was built on this one thing. And that was when something changed within me kind of like a light switch. And I knew that I was playing small, I knew that I had so much more potential, because I had seen little glimpses of success, like with that blog, like with other things that I done. But then I get scared, it would get big, and I would get scared. And so I was like, I know that I'm not living up to my potential, I have so much more I want to do, and I don't want this to be our life anymore. So I decided that I was going to start a different business, I was going to start my own business and not try to build anybody else's business anymore. And I've always been like a really metacognition person, I am very aware of my thoughts. And I am very in my head sometimes. And so I can see the thoughts that I have. And I can work through them. As an aside, I was able to really overcome an eating disorder the same way, like a decade before, by really like recognizing my thoughts and changing them. And that's an aside. So I knew that I had these thoughts that were holding me back from being successful and really creating the business and creating the future and the life that I wanted. And so I was listening to a podcast, oddly enough in the car one day, and this person said, this thing that totally rocked my world. And it was that your identity is not fixed. Your identity is not set in stone. And I was like wow. Like I've been living my whole life with this identity of somebody who has is never good enough, who is always bound to fail, being defined by what other people think of me. And when they said that I was like, You mean that I can create my identity, my identity isn't something that is just the sum of the things that I've done up until now. That's who I am. And when I heard this concept that like, you can change your identity, or at least that your identity is not fixed. I was like, wow, I can change my identity. And that means that like, I get to say who I am, I get to decide who I am and who I want to be. And, again, with my brain, I started wrapping my head around like, well, starting a new business is like moving to a new city. When you move to a new city, nobody knows you. And you can tell them who you are, and create a new story, and kind of start fresh. And I was like, What if starting this business was like moving to a new city, and I could rip the page and start completely with a blank slate and just decide who I am. And it doesn't matter what I've done in the past, it doesn't matter that I've been a colossal failure up until now. But I can write the new story. And that concept is what enabled me to change so much and become the person that you see me as today as somebody with limitless self belief, because that definitely was not the case then. And I knew there were a few key beliefs and identities that I was holding on to that were not going to serve me in this new town, right? My identity is a procrastinator. That was one that I had held on to my whole life. Oh, I'm such a procrastinator. Oh, I'm a procrastinator. That's just how I do things. And I knew that by procrastinating I wasn't going to get where I wanted to go by putting everything off. So I decided that I'm not a procrastinator anymore. Like I do things when I feel like doing them. And it's always the right time to do it. And that I was a perfectionist. And I said perfectionism is where I was kind of rationalizing the never good enough thing, right? Like, well, it wasn't as good as it could have been. And I was like you cannot be successful and be a perfectionist because it was this trap. And so I was like, I know, I need to get rid of that. So I literally wrote down, who is this person who is just what does she value? And I kind of went through these things. And I was like, She works hard. She wakes up early, she is tenacious. And I started to write down this identity. And one of the hardest parts about shifting our identity is routing in truth because your brain has a BS filter, right? And it's like, yeah, okay, no, you're not a perfectionist. All right. But I knew that like, in order to adopt these new beliefs, I had to anchor them in old truths that I knew to be true. And that I mean, I can, we can take a break from the talking, if you or I can keep going.

Christine Li: 17:59

I'm just taking notes. So keep going.

Jess O'Connell: 18:03

And I remember so I like rewritten this identity, I was starting to embody it and really like, this is who I am, this is who I am moving forward. And I came across this, like I had the goal because of course I did it my first year in business to make $100,000 because you know, setting bar super high and all of that. I was like, if I make $100,000 in my first year in business, then I'll be successful. And I remember I was washing dishes one day in my head. And I was like, Who the hell am I to make $100,000 like, Jess, who was ever only paid like $30,000 a year for a salary? Like, who has all of these past stories and stuff. And I had this like, flash in my brain of like, well, when you set your mind to something, you make it happen. And when that came across, I was like, Is that true? And I like found evidence in my past that proved that to be true, like graduating from college and four years, when I set my mind to something I make it happen. And so instead of worrying about who am I to make $100,000 I adopted the belief when I set my mind to something I make it happen. And I had case evidence for that. I like to think of my brain as like those old crime shows where they have like the big filing cabinets full of case files. And inside my case file, it's like the belief and then inside the case files, all the evidence that supports that. So the belief was when I set my mind to something, I always make it happen and I had evidence to support that. So I was like, Okay, I can believe that. And if I set my mind to starting this business, and I set my mind to not being a procrastinator and if I set my mind to making $100,000 in my first year, I will figure it out. I always make it happen. And that belief is what really solidified and because came the truth that led me to that road to starting my new business letting go of my procrastination habit and my perfectionism identity, and ultimately, making $100,000 in my first year in my business,

Christine Li: 20:14

which was amazing. So I remember you and an audience in the conference where I first knew of you making, basically a public declaration that you are going to change that you are going to now go for it. And I love your story. I love that you've woven everything that this show is meant to showcase, you know how you can change your life by changing some decisions, and taking different kinds of actions. And I love that it was like a light switch for you. And then it wasn't a long drawn out. process. This is such a beautiful story. And you're such a beautiful person. So thank you for sharing all of that. Now, I have noticed that this is very thoughts focused. Your metacognition and the the case files and the belief systems. I'm wondering, did you have that knowledge of your brain when you were a little girl and was part of you just thinking, I actually have what it takes, but I'm just going through a rough time right now. That's just what my brain is coming up with right now?

Jess O'Connell: 21:22

That's such a good question. Because I don't know where I learned all of that. I don't have a background in psychology, I don't have a background in like how the brain works. But I think I have always been in my head. And it's funny, I was a very like, loud and active child. But I have always been introverted. Like, I don't trust a lot of people, I don't have a lot of friends. Like I've always kind of been in my own head about things. And I think that's why I really took to blogging because it was really just expressing what was in my head with my fingers. And even now, like I love to write because it helps me form my thoughts out loud. But I think I just realized that there was a lot going on in my brain. And when I started to train it, I don't even remember when I learned the term metacognition, but just thinking about what I'm thinking about, and then observing, it has been such a powerful tool for me. And really, I think I've always been that kid that's like, in her own thoughts.

Christine Li: 22:32

Mm hmm. Gotcha. So this is a great message for our audience members who might be a DD, ADHD, businesswoman, businessman, men, or even if they're not in business that you can actually use how your brain is working for your progress for your possibilities, rather than for getting yourself confused and overwhelmed. And holding yourself back.

Jess O'Connell: 23:02

Yeah. Is that an ADHD thing? Like a lot of thoughts are being in your head?

Christine Li: 23:07

It is. I didn't know that Haley, where distractibility doesn't just happen from the squirrels outside your window and the shiny coins, but it's also having a lot of thoughts, having them take you away from the things you might really want to be focused on. So absolutely,

Jess O'Connell: 23:25

like freight trains,

Christine Li: 23:27

like freight trains, like, yeah,

Jess O'Connell: 23:29

I have thoughts like freight trains, and my husband's like, Okay, how did we get here? And I'm like, sorry, let me take you back.

Christine Li: 23:36

Two minutes ago, you

Jess O'Connell: 23:37

brought this up, which took me to Tokyo. And that's where we are.

Christine Li: 23:41

Yet, when I think of you just I think of clarity. So that's the other thing that people confuse having a DD or an attentional issue with lack of clarity, and all sorts of things get thrown into the bucket when we talk about learning disorders of any kind. And I think it's really important to do the things like interviewing the person, and getting to know their story, getting to know their strengths, so that we can really tease apart what's operating here. When you're stressed, what then turns on, and each of us is different. And each of us has areas of weakness, where when we're stressed out, things just kind of fall apart. And we make up stories about ourselves, and we don't do as well as we might otherwise. So I just love how you've just step by step taking us through how you've basically overcome your own self limiting beliefs, which is amazing.

Jess O'Connell: 24:38

Yeah, and I love that you pointed that out about I guess, that makes sense that like our own thoughts and all of that are part of what's distracting us. I think another way that having add is a really a superpower or can be is the hyper focus. I get very hyper focused on specific things. Almost in an obsessive way, kind of that belief of like anything I put my mind to I can make it happen. Like that became such a hyper focus for me. But then I saw everything through that lens. And I wanted to pursue that. And so everything I was doing, I looked at it through the lens of like, well, anything I put my mind to, I can make it happen. And because I hyper focused on that belief, it became the filter that I put everything through.

Christine Li: 25:30

Yes, and I don't think you need to have a DD to have that belief. I think everybody should have that. Boy. First of all, we agree there. We agree. We totally agree. Okay, I would love to hear what you do with your clients in your business, because we've been talking about your business somewhat generically, like it's you people don't exactly know what you're doing with your clients and who you help. And I would love for you to tell us about

Jess O'Connell: 25:54

that. Yeah, absolutely. So I help online coaches, and course creators, like yourself, really scale their audience and their influence through launching. And one of the things that I realized as I started my business, is that a lot of people are doing what I call spaghetti launching, which is what I was doing in the beginning to, and it's where you're really passionate about what you're talking about. And you have an idea, you throw it out to your audience very excitedly. And then they are not nearly as excited as you are. And so they don't respond, they don't buy it right away. And then you start to internalize that and you're like, Oh, God, that means they hate me. Nobody wants, this is a bad idea, I'm going to retreat, and you kind of come back inside, you stop talking about it, you stop promoting it, and then nobody buys it. And you create this belief that like, This is hard. I see so many people doing this and struggling to grow and scale their online business, because they are following this very unstructured system of launching their programs. Where it really started is I saw what I was doing wrong. And I saw what other people were doing well, and I was like, Okay, I'm going to pick these three things that they seem to be doing that I'm not doing, and I'm going to implement it into my business and see what happens. And the first thing was creating a message that stood out, standing for or against something like taking a stand for what you believe in. And that was the first thing like really owning your truth. The second thing was following a launch system, like actually following through being objective, not panicking, when things got a little bit less like than exciting, right. And then also, the third one was engaging your audience before you launch, like really honing in your messaging, and making sure that you're launching to people who actually want what you have to offer. And that seems really obvious. But it was the things that I was seeing the people I was watching and the people I looked up to doing, I was like, okay, instead of just throwing this out there, I'm gonna try and follow these three things. And in doing so, I took the same offer that I launched in May of 2019. And I launched it again in September of 2019. And the first time I made $3,000, in the second time, I made $8,000. And I was like, Wait a second, there's something to this. Like, if I can more than double my launch in just a few months by just changing these three things, then what else can I do? And so I knew I was onto something. And again, I have the mind of a scientist, I actually do have a science background, My degree is in teaching earth science. And so I was like I can put together like a formula here I can create a system that is repeatable, and that people can get results from. And so that was when I started to really build up what I call my aligned launch formula, which goes through six phases of your launch, starting with way before your launch up into your launch. So most people think that launching is what you do in like the three weeks around cart open, but truly like to have highly profitable launches. And to scale them your launch really is everything you do in like the three months before that too. And so by taking that approach, and really looking at the bigger picture and zooming out, I was able to create a system with six phases that take you through this six phases of my system, which the first one is energetic alignment and being like, fully in your purpose and being aligned with your message. I get it. I know so many people and I was one of them, wanting things that they think their audience wants, but that they don't really care about that they're not passionate about. And you get kind of stuck in this cycle of being what I call a short order course creator, which is like, what do you guys want? Okay, I'll make that right. And like a line cook for your business. And really like when you are an expert at something leaning into that, in really growing your audience and being a full body, hell yes for what you're offering. And so starting there, and then really honing in your messaging by taking a stand and having a polarizing belief, which then attracts your aligned audience that goes energy messaging audience, and then creating an offer that solves a problem for them, then launching it. And then analyzing that is the last phase. When you follow this system, you not only grow your audience and your influence before you launch, but you create even more profitable launches, because you're launching with concise messaging to an aligned audience of people who want what you have to offer. And so instead of throwing it out there, like, Hey, who wants this thing I'm so excited about and hearing crickets, you're really creating this anticipation and demand and desire for what you're offering. And you're taking people down a journey to your offer. And so I had the initial experiment, going from 3000 to 8000, identic, a 10,000, launch into a $70,000 launch. And that $8,000 launch into a $47,000 launch just one year later. And I've gotten my clients similar results. And so it's just been really huge for me to kind of zoom out and see the way all these things work together. And so that's what I help people do.

Christine Li: 31:34

That's wonderful. And I would imagine that you're having a lot more fun doing these in a systematic, but also effective way that everything's working together, including your energy, your energy is in the right zone, your audience is in the right zone, your clients are loving you. Yeah. And I'm assuming it all feels a lot easier.

Jess O'Connell: 31:57

Totally. It makes everything so much easier. And instead of wondering, what do I need to post today? Where am I going with this, it really creates a system, you know what you're doing, you know what you're saying you have more confidence in your message because you are being the expert. And everything is lighter, and everything is more fun, and nothing feels so much pressure. And of course, because I think like a scientist and it's all very formulaic like I help people look at their business objectively like a scientist and remove the emotions from the outcome. And I talk about how you're creating an appreciating asset, when you create a course and how the dividends it will pay in your first launch is nothing compared to the dividends, it'll pay over time. And if you're looking at your initial payout as the ultimate value of this asset that you've created, you're missing out on the potential dividends, it would be like buying a stock when it's low, and then it not growing much in the first two months. So you sell it off. Without looking that like a year from now, it could be worth 10 times as much. So instead of looking at like the immediate return on that investment in building your program, like looking at the long term asset that you're building,

Christine Li: 33:15

and having full belief in yourself,

Unknown: 33:18

yes.

Christine Li: 33:20

Wonderful. Thank you, Jess, for providing us an interview where I've taken probably three pages of notes as my gosh, your interviewer, and for sharing just everything that you've been through so openly and beautifully. It's been great listening to you. And I can't wait to have you attract many more clients, from your wonderful model your work, your character and what you get for your clients.

Jess O'Connell: 33:52

Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. Thank you for having me.

Christine Li: 33:55

Thank you for being on. Please let us know how our listeners can get in touch with you and work with you.

Jess O'Connell: 34:01

Yeah, absolutely. I am on Instagram at Jess dot O'Connell underscore. And if you are an online business owner and you want to learn more about this launching thing, I have a podcast called the launch fix podcast,

Christine Li: 34:15

which is great just says got such a powerful voice on that podcast as well. You're going to learn learn, learn from her. So thank you again. I feel like I learned so much from you in this short period of time and got to know you a little bit more which was awesome. Great. So everyone who's listening remember, put in a belief system that is powerful for you. Don't doubt yourself. Don't let those old stories get in your way anymore because you can make that decision and have it work like a light switch. So everyone take care and just I'll see you soon.

Jess O'Connell: 34:49

Awesome. See you soon. Thank you.

Christine Li: 34:51

Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of The make time for success podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard, you can subscribe To make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes, you can also visit our website make time for success podcast.com for past episodes, show notes and all the resources we mentioned on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name procrastination coach. Send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to. And let me know any topics that you'd like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making time for success. Talk to you soon.