How to Let Go of Past Trauma and Create an Abundant Life with Christine M. Roberts

Christine Li: 0:01

hi everyone welcome back to the show this is episode 17 today my special guest is christine m roberts she is a life and success coach but she is also a survivor of trauma herself you are going to hear in this episode her story and how she's been able to use the strength of her mindset her strong position over her own thoughts to guide her throughout her life and through many challenges and you're going to see how she's made the journey to success several times over she has a clear and connected teaching and speaking style and she teaches neuroscience based techniques to our clients to help them design their most fulfilling life she's going to teach us many lessons today so sit back and enjoy this wonderful episode hi i'm dr Christine Li and i'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach i've helped 1000s of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so they can begin working to their potential in this podcast if you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind body and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve when you start living within your full power you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand welcome to the make time for success podcast hi everyone today i am welcoming my friend and colleague christine roberts who is a productivity and success coach and she is just the loveliest person to talk with we are going to have a great conversation today welcome to the show

Christine M. Roberts: 2:02

thank you christine it's so great to see you again

Christine Li: 2:05

thank you for coming on to the podcast please do me a favor and just introduce yourself and give us a sense of what you like to do professionally

Christine M. Roberts: 2:15

yeah thanks so much so christine roberts and let's see i'll try to give you the reader's digest version originally i'm from rochester new york i grew up in a little town called spence port so actually a little suburb of rochester and grew up in an environment with a lot of dysfunction had a dad that was an alcoholic and was verbally and physically abusive so experienced and witnessed domestic violence and sexual abuse and you know ultimately the thing about that i say that and i share that because where i am today my life is incredible and when i look back on my life and i look at the beginning and you know my parents did the best that they could so this is not about blaming them or anything like that i'm thankful for all those challenges and you know i remember being a kid at 10 years old looking around at our broken down house and all of this situation and thinking to myself this will not be my life i mean i was 10 i was sweeping the sidewalk at our old farmhouse and i remember what i was wearing i remember it so vividly and i just remember like this is not going to be my life and i think for everybody like for your listeners it's like in our lives it's deciding you know what we want for our lives and it can happen at any time and you know really i got into sales in my career i did not go to college my parents divorced when i was 16 and did not end up going to college but then another story that we can share down the road i ended up being one of the first people accepted into the executive mba program at georgia state university and that's like its own story but i got into sales i moved to atlanta georgia and i just really got into personal development and just learning and listening and being a student of myself and just being fascinated with human behavior you know i love people i love to understand why we do what we do and i'm constantly observing myself because i figure i'm a human and if i'm having certain challenges or if i'm thinking certain things i bet other people are too so i've spent a lot of time just trying to improve myself there's a quote that i love and it says i can't change my ancestors but i can positively change myself to positively impact my descendants because i'm a mom and so you know i just really think about that i've worked in the personal development world with john maxwell i was a leadership consultant with him for those of you who don't know him he was named the number one leadership expert in the world by inc magazine and success magazine he's written a lot of books leadership. So I would work with companies on leadership strategies. And then, most recently, I worked with Disney, I was in their advisory group. And our group worked with companies on culture and how to take the Disney approach and Disney principles, and how Disney creates the magic and help companies apply that in their business. So all of that ties back to us as humans, and you know, how do we inspire and motivate people. So that has just been my jam and our company laid off. You know, during this COVID, there's been probably, I don't know, there, there was about 300 people in our division, and there's about 40 people left. And one of my passions has just been to share all of these lessons and strategies that I've learned over the years to increase productivity, how we think and how we think drives everything. There's the same belief drives behavior, you know, belief drives, how we think, which drives how we feel, which drives how we act, which drives the results in our life. And so you know, what we believe is derived from what we feed our minds. So I'm really passionate about intentionality of how we feed our minds and how we think, because how we think determines whether our lives are, you know, we perceive them to be great, terrible or mediocre. And so anyhow, that's, that's my passion.

Christine Li: 6:30

Thank you so much for describing the roots of your journey, and also where you've come on that journey. And I love the quotes that you put in there as well, about the ancestors and the descendants, I think I will always remember that from here on out. And also really, to remind us that our beliefs are the starting point of everything that comes after. So could you tell me and our listeners, was there a turning point for you, I know that it started at 10, when you said, I can change my life, I can make my future not look like this. But what else helped you to hone in on your thoughts?

Christine M. Roberts: 7:11

I have to say that it's it really started when I came to Atlanta, you know, I think intuitively as a kid, I just knew, you know, I would be around other people and other environments and just see that, you know, there's a different way to live. I had a friend that moved to Atlanta when we were in junior high school, and I came down to visit her when I was like 2122. And I drove my little Nissan Sentra with no air conditioning to hotlanta. I had $700 and just you know, big dreams for a better life. So getting into sales really, that was the catalyst to, you know, learning, I would listen to like the psychology of winning. And, you know, Tony Robbins, Denis waitley, Dr. Vincent Peale, all of these different thought leaders on how to increase productivity and psychology of winning, I remember listening to that, when I would drive around, I was going cold calling door to door in the heat, I had no air conditioning in my car. And I really think people bought from me because I was so pathetic. I mean, I would be drenched in sweat, you know, selling copiers, paper shutters and fax machines. And that was really when it all started, I got exposed to personal development. And I just saw how much it improved my life and my thinking, and you know, goal setting, and just all those different things. And when you listen to a lot of these things, when you start feeding your mind with information that helps you to be better, and you get around people that are doing what you want to do. It's about whether you believe it's possible.

Unknown: 8:57

Yes.

Christine Li: 8:58

So thank you for describing that as well. I then start thinking about the abuse that you witnessed when you were younger? And how have you been able through the years to balance the history with the desire and the possibility? Maybe things like intrusive thoughts or old patterns, or old memories that might threaten to pull you backwards or to make you feel like you're not good enough to reach the possibilities that you have in your mind?

Christine M. Roberts: 9:33

Yeah, yeah, great question. So when I was really young, I'm 55. Now so you know, I've lived a lot and so that's the one of the benefits. You know, I speak to students at the schools and that's like one of my passions, I speak to college students. It's like, life is up and down. And I kind of take my hand my finger and go up and down like a big curve, you know, in life curves up and down. And I tell them when you're in The lower part like when you're going through tough times, it's not forever. And the whole thing then is to allow yourself like, look in the mirror and understand what's going on inside of you, and try to figure out how you feel and let those feelings flow through you. And then be intentional about figuring out ways to get yourself out of that curve, and back into forward motion. And so when I was a kid, I knew I remember going, I know, I've got issues from all of this stuff. And I want to make sure I face all of these different things. So I've done a lot of stuff over the years. Because when I started a family, I was like, I don't want to carry this dysfunction into my family, just going back to the quote about, I can't change my ancestors, but I can change myself to positively affect my children and my descendants. And so I went to meetings, like, adult children of alcoholic meetings. And, and one of the things I want to mention about that, I went to those meetings, because I'm like, I've got to face the demons from my past. And it was interesting, because when I went to the meetings, and I'm not saying that all the meetings are like this, and maybe I didn't go to enough meetings, but I noticed there was people that were being victims, you know, they were saying, Oh, my mother did this. So I can't have a good job. My father, like, I felt like, it bothered me because I felt like people are not being empowered, and they were blaming, I want, I don't want to be a victim. And I think for your listeners something to think about if you're going through difficulties, or you're in tough times, here's the thing. When we're victims, we are allowing other things to control our lives. Being a victor is when you know that you have control of your life, you have the power to change your life, it's about personal responsibility. And you, you can go and seek out the best life possible for you. But the key is, you have to go and find resources. And they're out there everywhere. So, you know, I refuse to be a victim. You know, one of the key elements as well is forgiveness. And I think that I have forgiven my parents, I have forgiven the person that sexually abused me, I have done so much forgiveness, and it is hard. Now don't get me wrong, it is hard. And when I say forgiveness, it doesn't mean like it's a lackadaisical like, Oh, you know, so what, it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal. And if you have a situation that you've been hurt, it doesn't mean that what happened was okay, it doesn't mean that that person is off the hook, you forgive for yourself. And the best picture that helped me was holding on to bitterness and anger is like swallowing a poison pill and expecting the other person to die. That for me, struck me so much. And when I truly forgave others that had hurt me, it was like a weight taken off my shoulders. It was like this awakening. And some of these things, it's a journey. For anybody listening. It's not as simple snap your fingers sometimes. It's a process. And like I mentioned before I speak to students, and I did a video, kind of sharing my story to young people, and talked about forgiveness. And I really wanted to plant the seed for them, all these young women, and they came up to me and they were like, Oh, you're so great. And I couldn't believe all the women that came up these young ladies that had been sexually abused. And when I had my kids, I went and got certified as a child advocate at the child Advocacy Center, and I did training on, you know, sexual abuse prevention, because I do not want any thing like this to happen to my children. And it's not the boogeyman that's, you know, doing these things. It's like people that we know, but there's things that everyone can do to keep your children safe. And so I'm getting off on a tangent here. But I would say forgiveness, you know, I went to a landmark forum, which was a three day intense forum. Because that's the other thing about me, is like I said, I want to face things as quick as possible, and deal with them and move on in my life. And so when I went to that forum, it changed my life. It was like I forgave my father. I actually reconnected with my father who I had not talked to in a number of years because he was drunk frequently when I would call him. I don't know it was it's so I would say for anyone listening. If you are in that place, if you are in the place of feeling stuck Feeling like a victim, and it's everybody else's, you know, like things have happened to you, and you're, you know, blaming, I just want to say that horrific things can happen. And I do not minimize that. However, you have the power to take charge of your own life, I promise you when you are empowered, and you decide that your life is going to be different, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's like this feeling inside of you wells up, like you have got choices. And now it's a matter of going out and finding resources getting around people that can help you and that can build you up. And finding those people that want to be better and do better, and don't want to live in the victim place.

Christine Li: 15:52

Yes, I have been following your story and how you've been describing it. And noting that one thing you have not held back from is allowing other people to support you and to inform you and to advise you. And to help you. It sounds like it was the group's like ACA, adult children of alcoholics and landmark forum, just places where we can get some inspiration and know that we're not alone, in feeling like we want to get somewhere different. So I'm all aboard this train of get the stuff that you need.

Christine M. Roberts: 16:31

Yeah, counseling retreats, I went on a women's retreat, I've gone on several retreats. I don't know I do that stuff all the time. Because I feel like, it's like layers, we all, all of us are broken to a certain extent. It's just how much you know, you can constantly and always be better, and figuring out how to improve. So yeah, for anybody listening, it's like, seek out all of those different types of resources, you know, support groups, counseling, retreats, conferences, everything like that.

Christine Li: 17:06

And release is so important, because we take in a lot as women, as mothers as adults, and if we take in more than our bodies and energy stores can handle, we're going to experience symptoms, we're going to experience negative thinking, we're going to lose our way sometimes, and that's okay, as well. But please know, to our listeners that releasing and connecting with other people is a wonderful way of getting re energized and re empowered. And I love the language of empowerment, too. Just before Christina and I started recording this episode, we were talking about the ups and downs of this current period of time in our lives during COVID when we're experiencing so many different forms of grief and loss and sadness, and I'm gonna turn the mic over to you again, Christina, just describe a little bit of what you've been going through and what you've been thinking about this period of time.

Christine M. Roberts: 18:11

Yeah, so actually, I'm just coming out of a really dark period. You know, anybody who knows me, I'm like a very optimistic person. If you look at my feet, it's all about optimism and positivity and all that. And I would say, that's how I'm wired. However, you know, I've just come out of a really dark time with my mother in law, who I love and adore. She fell in November, and she, she's elderly, and she's very frail. So I mean, her health has been declining, you know, as anybody who's 87 years old, but she fell and she hit her head and she was in intensive care, we didn't think she was gonna come through. But you know, she was in Macon. She was like about an hour and a half away from us. So we're, you know, like, I have two children. I'm a 15 year old and as soon to be 17 year old. Plus, being an entrepreneur, you know, trying to run my business, run our house, like juggle the kids sports, you know, like any moms that are out there any career women or anybody that's entrepreneur, business person, it doesn't really matter. We all have our different challenges, regardless of what different things are in our lives. But um, you know, she was not doing well. And then we ended up having her come up near our home because she lived three hours away from us in Dublin, Georgia, we live in Atlanta, we had her come up here and go to a rehab center. Well, she was not improving and, you know, with COVID we can't see here we have to stand outside the window at the place and it's heartbreaking for everybody to not be able to hug each other or, you know, probably get emotional talking to you about this, but she just wasn't recovering. And they after a couple like eight weeks, you know, they said she's gonna have to go to long term. care. And then basically a nursing home. And then they call this she had her first COVID vaccination. And that was a Saturday. And on Tuesday, they said she tested positive for COVID. And she ended up going into quarantine. And just, she was already so frail to start with. And then they ended up taking her to the hospital. And we went there, and there wasn't anything that they could do, she just had a lot of other complications. And then she was taken to hospice, and we lost her on February 5. And so it was like, during that time, when a person who you love is doing so badly like that, and to see a person dying, you know, this vibrant woman, I mean, it just really took so much out of me and our family. And during that time, I gotta tell you, I had so many conflicting feelings, like, I'm going to be really vulnerable here and share with people that there was a part of me that I just wanted her to go, I wanted the Lord to take her, then I would feel like I am a horrible person, because my life was consumed with that situation. And, you know, I have all these other obligations. And I just felt like, I mean, literally, I did a video which I have not shared with anybody, because my marketing people, like you got to share your vulnerability, like, oh, gosh, I mean, it was raw. I literally just felt like, I'm gonna lose it that we had a car breakdown. And we had just all these things piling on top. I just felt so I was feeling like a victim, I'll tell you what I was sitting there going, why is all this happening, but then, you know, she's struggling, I feel so bad for her. But I can't handle this, everybody's coming to me. It was really hard. And actually, today is like the first day, we had her memorial service this past Saturday. So you know, I was the predominant person helping coordinate. It's my husband's mom. And he was doing tons of stuff too. But I'm kind of the person, you know, doing the eulogy, and organizing. And today was the first day that I sat did my journaling this morning, my quiet time. And I just felt this sense of almost like decompression like life. That whole situation, I know she's in a better place. But life is now can get back, we can get back on track. And during that time, I was trying to listen to inspirational things, podcasts with good stories and things about my business and things about grief. And you know, the five phases of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's like that grief process, you feel it in so many ways. I thought about it with the situation, I thought about it, and who my mother in law was and, and now she's not with us. And then I would feel like she could have been healthier. She could have done other things to stay healthy. But she didn't. And then I get angry. And then I'm like, give her grace. You know, it was it was just really a challenge. But oh, gosh, my dog is okay, hopefully my dog won't

Christine Li: 23:30

bark your your dog is connecting with you. And I think as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking that those thoughts of, oh, maybe this could be all over. Maybe that would be better. It just makes me think of that is our natural survival, instinct, picking up and saying we're in distress. And that's maybe a minor example, maybe a major example of how we need to give ourselves grace throughout a difficult experience, because we're not perfect, and we can't hold everything up ourselves, especially when we're working. And there are children and there's grief around and to just give ourselves that courtesy of saying we're going to get through this time, even with our wonky thoughts, even with our wonky feelings. And I'm so sorry for you and your family and the loss from Facebook. She looked like a very vibrant and beautiful woman. Yeah, she

Christine M. Roberts: 24:35

was. She was and you're right. And it's it's like our thoughts are all these internal conversations, right? We have 70,000 thoughts a day. It's like 1.2 thoughts per second. And the crazy thing is 95% of our thoughts are repetitive. So you know when we're in these negative states of internal dialogue, if we're in a negative state It's like we're having all these negative conversations inside our heads. And I think a lot of times we can be having these internal conversations and not even realize it, it's almost like that self awareness of waking up and saying, Okay, I will not allow myself to think like this. And I was like, I have like three voices, you know, I got the devil, the angel and my coach, you know, it's like, me being a coach to me. And it is a lot of intentionality around when you are in a bad place, you know, journaling, getting all that negative stuff, getting all those thoughts out, because you want to validate how you feel, because you feel how you feel. So when we keep saying I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't? Well, you do, and that's okay, but let's move through it. And a technique that I done a number of times is, you know, like, sometimes you need to just get it out and like have like a temper tantrum for lack of a better word. And it's not appropriate. So you got to, you know, as an adult, you need to figure out how can I get these things out without, like, freaking out, my family, or my dog goes nuts, I wanted to, like, kind of allow myself to have this, you know, get it out. And then my dogs going crazy. I'm going, Oh, my gosh, I gotta go drive somewhere. So. But it's like allowing yourself to get those feelings out. And for me as well, journaling, like writing out a stream of thought and just get it out. And give yourself grace. I always tell people treat yourself as a cherished friend, because a lot of times we do not treat ourselves as a cherished friend. And when you think of it that way, then I think that it's easier to be kind to ourselves. And the other thing I was saying to myself is like this isn't forever. This too shall pass. They know, like I talked about that whole curve, you know, the curve of up and down. We are going to get through this, and we're going to learn things. And I am learning right now when I'm in the midst of that pain. I'm learning things. And that, you know, trying to have comfort in that.

Christine Li: 27:12

Yes, and never ever losing the importance of supporting yourself in anything that you're going through whether it be positive or negative, I think we need to know that we've got ourselves covered, no matter what is coming at us or through us, as you so eloquently said that we have to feel the emotions in order to pass through the experience. Otherwise, we get stuck. There's complicated bereavement, there's procrastination,

Unknown: 27:44

there's

Christine Li: 27:45

all sorts of things that we can get locked into, because we're not processing the feelings. We're not saying the words, we're not clearing the thoughts from Bart internal conversations. So thank you for covering all of these areas in this one conversation. I know you have a model for guiding your thoughts. Can you describe that to our listeners?

Unknown: 28:08

Yeah. So

Christine M. Roberts: 28:09

if you check out Christine m Roberts comm I've got the what's called the grow method and the grow method. gr o W is the overarching methodology for everything for all of our thoughts. And the G stands for gratitude. And when I say gratitude, what I mean it that kind of links also to what we focus on grows. So gratitude, when we are conscious of all the great things we're thankful for. Because I tell you just recently, I was getting into such a funk, I was only looking at all the things that were going wrong. And then I said, Okay, I got to shift and think about what's going right, you know, I'm healthy, I can breathe, I can smell, I can see, I can hear, I can walk I can, you know, I'm outside the sun is shining, like there is so much to be grateful for. But sometimes it's easy to get into a funk. So, g for gratitude, and also that ties into raising awareness to your thinking. The R is for reflect and create. So in our lives. A lot of times when we reflect on where we've been what we've done in our lives, what we've achieved, you know, the pain that we've suffered, there's evidence for what we can do to create our best life going forward. And then the O is for ongoing, this whole journey of life. And being the best that I can be today. You know, better than I was yesterday for any listeners, you know, you want to be better today than you were yesterday. So it's an ongoing process, like listening to this podcast, right? It's like gaining insight, gaining new information, new knowledge to be better. And then the W is for wealth. And when I say wealth, what I mean is abundance and wealth in every way. Whether There, it's in your spiritual life, financial, your physical and mental health, you know, creating abundance with fun and friends and relationships. So gratitude, reflecting create ongoing wealth and abundance. That is really the overarching methodology, where everything else ties up underneath those words and philosophies to create a great life.

Christine Li: 30:25

That's beautiful. I particularly love the ongoing part because this is kind of a process, right? This isn't a short journey. We have a long journey, I had so much to learn, and we need to keep going at it and heading towards that abundance and being grateful for the things that we have in abundance right now. No matter what. So thank you for describing that model is beautiful. Can you describe to our audience how people can find you follow you work with you? And they connected?

Christine M. Roberts: 31:02

Yes, absolutely. Well, I would love for anyone listening to check me out. Christine M. Roberts comm M is for Marie. So Christine M. Roberts comments, because I have a common name. And there was a lot of Christine Roberts out there. So if you go to my website, there is a section called food for thought. And we have a mindset quiz. It's really fun, because it gives you kind of a benchmark of where you are today. And then we have a lot of free resources that provide, you know, tools on how to be intentional with your thinking. And if you're in a funk if you're but if life's going well how do we get better, you know, so if you go to Christine m Roberts comm forward slash free tools, that'll get you directly to that page. But if you go to the site, food for thought, and check it out, I think it'll be really helpful and fun to just kind of see where you are today. It's a fun quiz to take every so often to kind of see where you are and how far you've come. That sounds great.

Christine Li: 32:05

Thank you so much for that generous gift to our audience. Thank you for joining me today. You are a delight. Your optimism just shines through no matter when we connect. And I appreciate that and your friendship. So thank you so much.

Christine M. Roberts: 32:19

Thank you, Christina. It's been an honor. I'm so excited to see all the great things in store for you as well.

Christine Li: 32:25

Thank you. Okay, everyone. We will wrap this up and I will see you next week. Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of The make time for success podcast. If you enjoyed what you've heard, you can subscribe to make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also visit our website make time for success podcast.com for past episodes, show notes and all the resources we mentioned on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name procrastination coach, send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to. And let me know any topics that you might like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making time for success. Talk to you soon.