Master the Art of Saying No to Others and Yourself

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to the Make Time For Success podcast. This is episode number 215. Are you looking to transform your life in 2025? Well, I am too. So let's stick together in this episode and review some of the most powerful things you can do in the year 2025, all centered around your power to be able to say no. There is a huge art in being able to say no and not feel guilty, not feel ashamed, not feel like you've endangered yourself, and I'm gonna talk all about that in this episode. I really believe that when you understand how to really say a good solid no, you actually spare yourself the negative energy and the negative feelings and you end up protecting your energy, protecting your boundaries, and making space for things that really, really matter to you and to your plans for having a really good life as well. Not only am I going to share different ways to get past people pleasing and fighting unhealthy habits. I'm also going to share with you a little story of a new wellness habit that I've developed in my own life and how I did that by saying no to a lot of the resistance that I was having to building that new habit.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:34]:
Let's go listen to this episode together now. Hi. I'm Dr. Christine Li and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped thousands of people move past and overwhelm so they could begin working to their potential. In this podcast, you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind, body, and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power, you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the make time for success podcast. Today, I'd like to talk about one of the most important skills you can develop, and that's the skill and the power of being able to say no.

Dr. Christine Li [00:02:36]:
And, typically, when we talk about the power of saying no, we think about the ability to say no to other people, and that's super important. But today, I also want to address why it's really important to be able to say no to yourself and to the habits that really don't serve you anymore. So we're going to cover all of these matters today. This is really important, especially for midlife women, because over the years, all the weight of accumulated responsibilities, people pleasing tendencies, and the needs that we have to prioritize ourselves really just become this massive obligation for the midlife woman. And we wanna take, of course, our obligations very seriously. So when we learn to say no appropriately and often, we end up feeling like we're really taking care of our responsibilities, our relationships with other people, and, of course, ourselves. So we wanna start off this conversation by understanding that saying no to other people or to ourselves is not a bad thing. It's really not about rejecting other people or being impolite or anything that you might be thinking.

Dr. Christine Li [00:04:04]:
It's actually something really wonderful. It's a declaration to yourself and to other people and to the world that you care about certain things by saying no. You're not just turning things down. You're basically delineating what is right for you, what you want, what is important for your growth, and what is important for preserving your energy and building your future. So let's get into this. I think we should start this conversation by understanding why it can feel so darn difficult to say no in the first place. I think if you're a woman, you understand that women are oftentimes so oftentimes taught to prioritize other people's needs over their own. When you think about it, when you're having children, when you're in the company of men, when you are in the company of elders, there's so many different scenarios where you might be triggered to say, Well, I need to bow down.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:17]:
I need to stay silent. I need to cooperate. I can't come across as being selfish or mean or lazy or anything like that. And these opportunities for thinking that we're impolite or mean or selfish or lazy seem to crop up maybe almost daily in our lives because people need things from us. People want things from us. We interact with people every single day. But what happens when we start saying yes to everyone who comes our way is we end up being overcommitted. We end up being exhausted.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:02]:
We end up feeling resentful. We end up feeling like we don't have the energy for all the things we've said yes to. And this becomes this snowball, this figurative snowball that keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And it threatens our sense of calm. It threatens our sense of peace. It threatens our ability to make clear decisions for ourselves. And I think probably everybody who's listening to this episode has been there. Whether or not you're a people pleasing kind of person, you've probably experienced a time in your life where you just overcommitted, where you decided, I'm gonna try to take care of everybody in my life.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:52]:
And I think 2025, let's make this the year where we are just more mindful about what we're doing with our time and energy with the goal of actually pleasing ourselves first and then understanding that when we're doing well, other people are going to end up being pleased as well. So you're actually not disappointing anybody when you are saying a good no. When you really mean no, it's really for your best interest, but it's also for the world's best interest that you actually say no and stick to your no. Again, it's not about rejecting anybody or making anybody pissed off. It's actually about protecting your boundaries, your time, your energy, your clarity and your well-being. It's really, really important. I cannot overemphasize that, and I want you to just tuck that away and keep that as part of your toolbox. Know that there's a real power in being able to say no.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:05]:
When you are able to say no, it benefits you in so many different ways. It frees up your time and it frees up your energy so that you can pay attention to your own priorities. And you can't experience this until you actually say the nose, until you get into the habit of saying no often and frequently. And I promise you that it's a skill that you can develop if you're just not used to saying no to people. It actually will make you feel like you have more of a say in your own life, and that's going to be very, very good for you. But by the way, saying no also benefits everyone that you're interacting with because it teaches them to respect you. It teaches them to be able to take care of themselves and be more independent and not rely on you for this, that and the other thing. It also helps you to strengthen your relationships because it's more of a give and take rather than a give, give, give.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:17]:
It's not just you providing. It's actually you becoming part of a mutually beneficial partnership or relationship. So try this with your life partner. If you have a life partner, try this with your children. If you have children, try this with your coworkers. If you have coworkers, really experiment with really kind, firm nose. And you just wanna say things like, thank you for asking, but I'm not available. Thank you for asking, but I'm not interested.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:55]:
Thank you for asking. I do not have the time right now. And although there are hundreds of different ways of saying no, I think it's also important to just be comfortable with the plain no. You don't have to over explain because oftentimes when we over explain, it's kind of indicating that we're nervous or we're unsure of ourselves or there might be some wiggle room. And we've probably all been in that kind of situation too, where we're just afraid of being strong with our no, and then we end up being pulled by the tide into the next thing that somebody else wants us to do. It's okay to just set your boundary. Say the polite no and then walk away. Try that and you'll see you will survive and the other person is going to survive, too.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:49]:
If you're feeling like you're gonna wobble in your no, you can say, you know what? I need a minute to think about this and then I will get back to you. And then when you get back to the person, you end up saying, you know, I'm glad I took that time, but I need to tell you that it's a no for me. Okay. And this can apply not just to formal or work situations. It can apply to your social life as well. As we're in winter in New York, I am just appreciating being able to stay home when I want to. Right? It's so cold outside. It's dark at 5 o'clock at night and some days you just want to take time for yourself to catch up on your own life, your own cooking, your own tidying, your own goals for the year.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:45]:
Whatever you have on your plate, it can just feel nice to not feel distracted by the next obligation that you have. And the way to create that kind of time space in your life is to say no. Maybe one way of doing this in your life might be to say, okay, every Friday afternoon, I'm going to make sure my schedule is completely clear. I don't care how many people I need to say no to, but I'm going to mind how I schedule things throughout the week so that they don't crowd into Friday afternoon. I'm gonna indicate to other people that I'm gonna be out of office or out of commission or out of communication Friday afternoons. So a little planning ahead, it can also help you to use the power of saying no beneficially to you. Use your mindfulness. It's okay to create the week that you have in front of you.

Dr. Christine Li [00:12:50]:
It's okay to plan for a Friday afternoon that is purely yours to catch up on things or to end the week a little bit early. Just start to have those wheels turning in your life so that you don't feel like you're being pulled by other people's wishes or your schedule without your say. And when you learn to say no, you have more of a say. So this is really, again, so important because sometimes we're just our own biggest obstacles to positive change. And in 2025, we're all about positive self change. We're going to get rid of the negative self talk where we convince ourselves, oh, nobody's going to listen to me if I say no or nobody's going to respect me if I say no. And we're going to reduce the impulsivity of our decision making and we're going to plan ahead. We're going to decide.

Dr. Christine Li [00:13:52]:
I've never been a planner, but I can start learning how to plan this year and we're going to decide in 2025. There's so much going on already in this year that it's a message to me that is important to take care of my energy. I'm not going to just say yes to every Tom, Dick, Harry, Suzanne, Joanne and Mary. We're not going to do that anymore. We're going to prioritize saying yes to ourselves and saying no to everything that doesn't fit with our design for our week and our lives. So here are some examples for how you can say no to yourself to also up your game in terms of self development and self satisfaction. This, I think, is something that people don't talk about enough. It's really how to say no to procrastination, how to say no to perfectionism, how to say no to unhealthy habits.

Dr. Christine Li [00:14:59]:
I'm going to give you some examples for how to talk to yourself if you're curious. The way to say no to procrastination is when you check yourself, when you start saying, I'm going to do this tomorrow. I can even use an example of this podcast episode. It's late at night here in New York and I'm recording late at night, but I just didn't want this podcast episode to dribble into tomorrow. I really wanted to take care of this while I had my makeup on, while I had these ideas fresh in my mind. And while I was still awake, I decided, no, I'm not gonna push this off another day. I'm going to start it today and get this done. And when you trust yourself to say yes to yourself when you can, it really gives you some extra room.

Dr. Christine Li [00:15:52]:
As an example, I will have my tomorrow wide open because I chose to not push this podcast episode recording into tomorrow, and I'm already grateful for that. So learn how to say no to yourself when you start saying, oh, I could do that tomorrow. Test yourself because you're going to, I think, feel grateful like I do right now that you end up creating more space for yourself tomorrow instead of crowding your tomorrow too tightly and feeling stressed in your tomorrow. The way to say no to your perfectionism tendencies is when you start hearing yourself saying, oh, this is not good enough. I there's no way I can record a podcast late at night. You're going to say to yourself, no, that's wrong. It is good enough. You can record.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:48]:
You can start now. It's just okay to do your job, to do it good enough, not be perfect, not make yourself tired and miserable and overwhelmed and sad, you're just going to get it done. You're going to say yes to yourself by saying no to the perfectionism. And how do you say no to unhealthy habits? That's something that we all do at the beginning of the year and hopefully throughout the year. But when you think that, you know, I'm just gonna break my healthy eating streak or I'm going to stay up too late tonight. Just doing it this once. You're going to say no. You're going to say I'm on a streak for a reason.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:37]:
This new habit of eating well, not overeating, being mindful with my eating, getting to bed on time, getting to the gym more often than not. These are habits that I want to stick with. So I'm going to say no to the part of myself that feels like avoiding my good habits today. You can do this. We're always talking to ourselves, although so often we make fun of that idea of like, oh, I'm talking to myself. We are talking to ourselves day in and day out. We are talking and listening to that inner voice all the time. So let's make that inner voice a really strong guide for you.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:22]:
Let's make it a great, loving, and kind coach. Let's make your inner voice the voice of yes to good things and no to the things we no longer feel are necessary. No to the things that just make our lives really messy and confusing and stressful. We're going to do better with that this year. And when we learn all these good no's when it comes to our self habits, we're going to end up feeling so proud of ourselves. We're going to end up being able to say yes to so many wonderful new opportunities and new habits that continue to make us feel more ourselves. Instead of feeling deprived, we're going to feel like superheroes. We're going to feel superhuman.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:17]:
We're going to feel like, yes, we can keep to our habits. Yes. We can keep to our schedule. Yes. We can make decisions with 100% clarity. And this is so exciting. I'm excited just sharing this information with you and thinking about how you may change one of these habits and benefit from that and seeing just even the slightest of improvement can be encouragement to continue to say no really well in your life. I'm going to share one more personal story to demonstrate how the power of saying no can really help you with your personal habits.

Dr. Christine Li [00:20:01]:
In 2025, I have decided consciously and somewhat accidentally that I am going to walk 8,000 steps, 6 days a week. And that's kind of built over time because habits build over time. But I'm going to describe how this happened. I think I just decided I really wanted to incorporate walking into my exercise routine. I've heard that it's great for maintaining your weight or even reducing your weight. And also, I just thought it's a great habit to have in general, to stay mobile, to not be so sedentary, to not work so hard and stay seated all the time is what I mean. And it turns out when you walk 8,000 steps a day and fit that in, it actually keeps you feeling healthy. I just feel healthier having done this habit.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:04]:
But this did not happen overnight. I had to first make the decision to myself. I had to not say no to the idea. I had to say yes to it, and I had to say no to my resistance. I had to say no to the part of me that knows I'm not a natural walker. I've never really liked walking very much. I'm flat footed. I tend to like sitting a lot.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:33]:
I tend to like working a lot, but I knew that walking was going to add to my sense of vitality and my sense of well-being. So I committed to that. I said yes to that. I said no to the flat feet and to the sedentary stuff. And then I figured out day after day how to fit in 15 minutes, 20 minutes of walking at a time. I don't walk 8,000 steps at a time. I'm not that kind of person yet, but I have learned how to run to the gym in between appointments and how to just show up, how to show up for myself and how to say yes in that way. And I just wanted to describe that new habit of mine to you because I'm really happy about it.

Dr. Christine Li [00:22:19]:
I'm really proud that this has taken shape. I'm really excited about the benefits I'm already seeing just a few weeks into the year and into the habit. And I'm sharing this so that you can design something for yourself, whether it's exercise or tidying or being committed to a new project that you have. You can pick whatever you want, as you know. But I want you to say a big yes to yourself here, and I want you to say whatever no's you need to say in order to maintain that yes to yourself. As we all know, when we end up creating something like a new, very positive habit, we have this ripple effect as well. I get to see more people more often when I go to the gym. I get to avoid weight gain.

Dr. Christine Li [00:23:14]:
If I stick to this habit, I get to feel clearer in my mind because guess what? When you're on the treadmill, what do you do? You start thinking about things. You start reviewing the decisions you have to make over the course of the day and you start becoming more you. So I'm going to encourage you to just go for your new habits this year. Go for no's. If this is something that you need to incorporate into your routine, take a few minutes today to think about where you're saying yes. Maybe a little too often when you really want to be saying a big no and write down one thing that you will say no to this week, whether it's a commitment to someone else or an old habit that is ready to just walk out the door of your life. Alright. I am so proud of you for listening to shows like mine where we're working on self development and self improvement and time management and habit management.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:20]:
And I'm really rooting for you. If you would like a worksheet to help you work through all of these concepts that I've shared in this episode. I'm gonna invite you to download this free worksheet and it is gonna be at maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/sayno. Again, it's maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/sayno, s a y n o, just one word. And I can't wait to share that worksheet with you. I can't wait to hear what your wins are when you start saying no. And please say yes to returning to this podcast next week. Next week, we're gonna talk about Midlife Energy Makeover.

Dr. Christine Li [00:25:15]:
So I'll see you there. Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Make Time For Success podcast. If you enjoyed what you've heard, you can subscribe to make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also visit our website, maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com for past episodes, show notes, and all the resources we mentioned on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name, procrastination coach. Send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to.

Dr. Christine Li [00:25:50]:
And let me know any topics that you might like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making time for success. Talk to you soon.